It's been almost a year since my first panic attack and I'm not going to lie, it's been hard. It's been a struggle emotionally, as well as financially. There have been times when I wanted to give up and thought I wouldn't get through this. But, now that the worst is in my rear view mirror, I wouldn't change a thing about the past year. I would have never realized how strong I am and how much I can conquer. I have overcome so much and moved my life in a better direction. I have a more positive outlook on life than I think I've ever had. No matter how tough things get, I can now look at a situation and know it could be worse. I spent my birthday in a mental hospital and I wouldn't change that either. I admitted there was an issue and got the help I needed. A good friend of mine told me that everything happens for a reason and for a long time I struggled to figure out what that reason was and why it was happening. Now, I realize it doesn't matter why it happened, it just matters that I survived. Now, I have a job I actually enjoy. Okay, the money is not as good but the atmosphere is so healthy. I get paid to be creative and spend time with kids and play games. I have the most supportive co-workers you could ask for. It's an environment that is beneficial to my state of mind instead of making things worse. I have never been a morning person, yet I don't mind getting up at 5am everyday to go to work. I look forward to being at work and enjoy most everything about it. It's helped me find a direction in life and helped me get things back on track. It's going to allow Stevie and I to buy a house and start our family. My goals are no longer on the back burner and it feels amazing.
Before this past year, I never put a lot of value in therapy. But, finding the right counselor makes all the difference and can be a huge benefit. Sure, the medication helped me in the beginning. Life goes on regardless of your mental state and you can't just pause everything. The medicine allows you to continue your day to day routine and try to stay on track while you learn the coping skills and such that you need from therapy. But, the therapy is what actually makes the difference. I will never be completely rid of anxiety and panic in my life, but I now have techniques and ways to deal with it and not let it affect me as severely. I strongly suggest therapy to anyone. It gives me an outlet to get things off my chest and to get a different perspective on things- a non-objective or judgmental perspective. Plus, I don't want to be dependent on the medications for the rest of my life. I want to be in control of my own emotions.
This past year has also made me realize how quickly time goes by. Don't take advantage of it. Every moment is precious and make the most of everyday. Life is what you make it. You can't sit back and wait for things to happen, you have to go out there and pursue your dreams.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Insecurities
Last week was the first time I had doubts about my job. There were two points last week where I wondered if I had made the right decision getting back into working and if this job was for me. I think it's everything else that is piled on my plate leading me to second guess my decision.I just let myself get overwhelmed. Sometimes, I feel trapped in the schedule or so responsible that if I get sick or call in or have an anxiety issue I won't be able to call in because I'll feel bad for my co-workers. But, I need to remember that I'm in control and I can handle this. I stuck with it though and I will continue to. I know this is the right decision even if at some points I feel like I'm falling. I start feeling insecure with myself and my lack of confidence is not helping. I'm always worried I'm not doing enough or I'm not handling situations correctly. Even though my manager and my PL2 tell me I'm doing a great job, I still have doubts. It's like when my insecurities kick in, I become a mind reader, which is one of my huge downfalls. I'm convinced people feel a certain way and just tell me what I want to hear. I assume too much and always expect the worst. I have been working on this with my therapist because it's something I do outside of work as well. I need to ask people and take their word, because no one can mind read and there is no reason for people to lie about their feelings.
I am really starting to figure the kids out and how to get them to listen and respond to me. I feel like with every passing week, I am making some sort of progress and it's really promising. However, instead of being excited and anxious to get promoted to a PL2, I'm grateful that I'm only a PL1 and have someone I can look up to and depend on. I am just not ready for that responsibility, and maybe with time I'll get there.
My life, or at least my emotions, feel like a roller coaster recently. Some days I can conquer the world and others I'm having to force myself to continue being strong. Maybe since the newness of the job has worn off and the reality has set in that this is necessary for Stevie and I to buy a house, it seems more real and all the novelty of the situation is gone. I don't know though.
My new goal is to work on traveling and I have made absolutely no progress. Even at work today, we were discussing field trips and having to ride the bus with our kids and there is no way I would be able to do that and we are only going 5 or 10 minutes down the road. I have got to get over this fear. I want to go to the beach and Pennsylvania, and DC, and all these other amazing places I visited when I was younger. Stevie didn't get to travel like I did and I want to show him everything I've seen and not hold him back. Even on good days when I feel like I could make the drive, I start thinking of how I would feel when I got to my destination. What if I have a good day and make the drive somewhere but then don't feel as confident later on in the day or the next day and can't make the drive back. Then, I'm stuck and miles away from my comfort zone- which is my apartment. Thinking like this though is only setting me up for failure. I need to find a way to make my car a comfort zone so no matter where I am I'll feel safe in my car so I can at least get home.
It's crazy to think it's been almost a year since all this started. I have come so far but I know I have a long road ahead of me. Not only with conquering my traveling fear, but with getting off the medicines so that Stevie and I can try and start a family next year. There are a lot of changes going on now and within the next few months and I need to try and keep myself grounded and not take on too much. I have Stevie to share the load with and I need to remember that he can handle it. I kept so much from him before all this started because I didn't want to stress him out, but that is what put me in the hospital. Then Stevie had the entire load on his shoulders- not only dealing with me but keeping us a float financially. I can't even imagine how that felt to him to be solely responsible for not only himself but me. I don't want to ever do that to him again, so if I start off sharing the responsibility then hopefully it will never get to that point again.
It seems like my anxiety has mellowed out though, at least during the week. I'm so busy with work and keeping up with the apartment and what not, that during the work week I don't have time to be anxious. My mind is always occupied with things that I can't focus or dwell on those negative thoughts. However, on the weekend when I finally have time to sit down or relax, it seems the anxiety is much worse because it's all been building up over the week. I do prefer having one large anxiety attack on the weekend then constantly feeling anxious everyday, but the ideal situation would be to not have the anxiety at all. One day. I have to keep thinking positive.
I have therapy tomorrow. My sessions are every three weeks now and this is the longest I've gone without a session since I started seeing my therapist and I feel good. I am looking forward to it though, it's a safe place for me to get a lot of things off my chest and have her help me analyze things I don't understand that are going on in my mind.
I think its funny I used to tell my therapist that schedules made me feel trapped. Like following a schedule was overwhelming and that's why I was worried I wouldn't be able to work again because I would be bound to the hours handed to me from my manager and such and now I realize I love having a routine. I think the hours at my job are ideal though because if I do get overwhelmed in the morning, I have a break during the day to get myself together and be better for my second shift.
My thoughts are kind of scattered, so I apologize to anyone reading this- I'm pretty all over the place today.
I am really starting to figure the kids out and how to get them to listen and respond to me. I feel like with every passing week, I am making some sort of progress and it's really promising. However, instead of being excited and anxious to get promoted to a PL2, I'm grateful that I'm only a PL1 and have someone I can look up to and depend on. I am just not ready for that responsibility, and maybe with time I'll get there.
My life, or at least my emotions, feel like a roller coaster recently. Some days I can conquer the world and others I'm having to force myself to continue being strong. Maybe since the newness of the job has worn off and the reality has set in that this is necessary for Stevie and I to buy a house, it seems more real and all the novelty of the situation is gone. I don't know though.
My new goal is to work on traveling and I have made absolutely no progress. Even at work today, we were discussing field trips and having to ride the bus with our kids and there is no way I would be able to do that and we are only going 5 or 10 minutes down the road. I have got to get over this fear. I want to go to the beach and Pennsylvania, and DC, and all these other amazing places I visited when I was younger. Stevie didn't get to travel like I did and I want to show him everything I've seen and not hold him back. Even on good days when I feel like I could make the drive, I start thinking of how I would feel when I got to my destination. What if I have a good day and make the drive somewhere but then don't feel as confident later on in the day or the next day and can't make the drive back. Then, I'm stuck and miles away from my comfort zone- which is my apartment. Thinking like this though is only setting me up for failure. I need to find a way to make my car a comfort zone so no matter where I am I'll feel safe in my car so I can at least get home.
It's crazy to think it's been almost a year since all this started. I have come so far but I know I have a long road ahead of me. Not only with conquering my traveling fear, but with getting off the medicines so that Stevie and I can try and start a family next year. There are a lot of changes going on now and within the next few months and I need to try and keep myself grounded and not take on too much. I have Stevie to share the load with and I need to remember that he can handle it. I kept so much from him before all this started because I didn't want to stress him out, but that is what put me in the hospital. Then Stevie had the entire load on his shoulders- not only dealing with me but keeping us a float financially. I can't even imagine how that felt to him to be solely responsible for not only himself but me. I don't want to ever do that to him again, so if I start off sharing the responsibility then hopefully it will never get to that point again.
It seems like my anxiety has mellowed out though, at least during the week. I'm so busy with work and keeping up with the apartment and what not, that during the work week I don't have time to be anxious. My mind is always occupied with things that I can't focus or dwell on those negative thoughts. However, on the weekend when I finally have time to sit down or relax, it seems the anxiety is much worse because it's all been building up over the week. I do prefer having one large anxiety attack on the weekend then constantly feeling anxious everyday, but the ideal situation would be to not have the anxiety at all. One day. I have to keep thinking positive.
I have therapy tomorrow. My sessions are every three weeks now and this is the longest I've gone without a session since I started seeing my therapist and I feel good. I am looking forward to it though, it's a safe place for me to get a lot of things off my chest and have her help me analyze things I don't understand that are going on in my mind.
I think its funny I used to tell my therapist that schedules made me feel trapped. Like following a schedule was overwhelming and that's why I was worried I wouldn't be able to work again because I would be bound to the hours handed to me from my manager and such and now I realize I love having a routine. I think the hours at my job are ideal though because if I do get overwhelmed in the morning, I have a break during the day to get myself together and be better for my second shift.
My thoughts are kind of scattered, so I apologize to anyone reading this- I'm pretty all over the place today.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Patience
I don't know if I have said this already but today was probably my most trying day. I don't know what is going on with some of these kids. It's like instead of getting better, they're feeding off other kids and their behavior is getting worse. This job is definitely teaching me patience and is a good learning experience before having children of my own. The PL2 continues to be incredible and helps me so much. I'm still enjoying the job, I'm just learning that you should always expect the unexpected. You have never seen everything and each day is a different surprise.
I am still struggling to find a balance between yelling too much and not yelling enough. But that's an issue for me outside of work as well. I'm looking for that happy medium of standing up for myself and not being completely rude.
On the upside, today was my first day going through both shifts at work without my anxiety meds. I needed them when I got home but I think this is huge progress toward getting off the meds completely eventually.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Ketchup
I have been slacking at keeping up with this. I forgot how much time and energy working can take out of you. Plus, with maintaining a household, a husband, and cats, writing didn't make the top of my to do list last week.
Last Monday, the orientation at Battlefield went really smooth. I met a couple of the kids in our program and got to ask more of my questions. The lady I'm working with, the PL2, and I went through the office and took inventory. We figured out what supplies we need and organized some things. Plus, we went through the lesson plans a bit to get ourselves prepared for the first day.
Last Tuesday was my moment of truth. It was make or break. The morning session was amazing. It went so smooth. There weren't very many kids and they pretty much played games and kept to themselves. We did introductions and played a group game and that was really about it before we released them to school. Set up and break down was easy and I felt really good about everything. That afternoon, however, was an entirely different beast. According to the PL2 our afternoon went well, but in my eyes it was startling. I expected it to run much like our morning session did and I was quite wrong. The kids run into the gym all hyper from school and there are twice as many kids. They don't listen half of the time and they don't respect me because they don't know me. They have endless questions and only want to run around and play games and not follow the structure we have set up. I went home Tuesday wondering if I had made the right decision stepping into this line of work.
The rest of the week was much better though. The morning sessions continued to run smoothly and the afternoon sessions seemed more smooth because I knew what to expect after that first day. Of course, every job is going to have its frustrating moments and bad days. Friday afternoon pushed me a little further than I wanted but I think the kids were tired and we were tired and all of us were grateful the weekend was upon us.
This week has been great too. I find the more days I get under my belt, the more comfortable I am. I have learned so much already from my PL2 it's unreal. She has endless amounts of patience for the kids and for me. She is always willing to help me, answer questions, and offer suggestions. I don't know how well I would have survived without her. The kids are starting to get to know me and be more comfortable with me. There is still some respect issues, as far as them not listening to me as well as they do the PL2, but I think that will come with time. I am learning to be more assertive with them and different ways to handle difficult situations.
Plus, this job has given me an incredible outlet for my creativity. We are constantly coming up with ideas for things to do with the kids and different ways to motivate them. It's a very intellectually stimulating job, yet I get paid to play with kids- it's the best of both worlds. I am so thankful that I was given this opportunity and I definitely plan to continue forward with it.
I am having some anxiety related stress in other aspects of my life though. I feel in some respect that I am reverting to my old self. I am afraid to speak up and tell certain people how I feel because i don't wish to cause an argument or upset anyone. I feel like my personal bubble is being crowded. I don't appreciate people putting their nose in my business when it doesn't belong or playing twenty questions with me about every single thing I do. I don't want to say too much though since this is public.
I have had a lot going on with my parents in the past month and with Stevie, like with any relationship- marriage is not always smooth sailing. But, I strongly believe we are only challenged with what we can handle. I think my family always comes out stronger on the other side.
My therapist and I have decided to only meet once every three weeks. She says I am making great progress and don't need to visit her as often. Now, that I have conquered going back to work my new goal is to work on traveling. I am really uneasy about it but one step at a time. I am still in search of a psychiatrist though because I really need to have my medicine adjusted.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Just Keep Swimming...
(Side note: despite the past two post titles, I can't actually swim, I'm just on a Finding Nemo kick lol)
Friday, definitely made me feel more comfortable and relaxed about my job. We had our staff meeting and I got to meet the lady I'll be in the school with and be working with everyday. She is awesome. Plus, I got to ask all my thousands of questions and they never got frustrated with me. We went to the school and I saw where we will be set up and just got a lot of my nerves settled. It was good, I really needed it after how I felt Thursday evening.
Saturday, I had CPR training. A good friend of mine was the trainer so it was pretty laid back and fun. It went smoothly and then I finally got a day off today. It was nice to relax and get up without an alarm clock after six days.
Tomorrow, Battlefield has orientation and I'm working a table to try and get more people enrolled in our program. Then, we'll be setting up the office and going through our supplies since the first day of school is Tuesday. I'm ready to get the first week of school under my belt and get into a routine.
I remember when I first started putting in applications for a job I was so scared all jobs would be like GEICO. I know it sounds morbid but I hated going to work so much that I almost wished to be in a car accident, just so I wouldn't have to go into work. Being on a phone 8 hours a day, being yelled and screamed out for something you have no control over is ridiculous. You have to have a tough outer shell and be able to not let people get to you. But, I wear my emotions on my sleeve and every time I was called a nasty name or yelled at, it was hard to not take it personally.
When I initially created this blog it was to help me deal with my anxiety and panic with getting back into the work force, but really anxiety affects all aspects of my life and I'm going to broaden my writing and go ahead and include all aspects where it plays a factor. I have been exhausted this week even though I haven't been working full 8 hour days. My anxiety just takes some much out of me and so, I tend to sleep a lot. I have napped almost everyday that I've worked, but I can't be critical of myself because at least I'm going to work. I have yet to back down or let me nerves get the best of me. Caffeine also makes things worse, so I have being doing my best to avoid it.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
The goal is to swim, not drown.
I have been meaning to update this for a few days but have actually been pretty busy with work and such. I thought right now would be a perfect time to sit down and write though since I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed and anxious, so you'll probably see how scattered my thoughts are "mid" panic attack.
Sunday night I found myself reminiscing about how terrible things were in September. The week after my panic attack when I tried to go back to work was horrible. I would show up, try to take a few phone calls and just start shaking and break down in tears. Not even thirty minutes into my shift and I was leaving. The drive home always felt like an eternity. I would pull into the parking lot and walk to my apartment. Eyes on the ground, just tunnel vision blocking out the world. As soon as I shut my door behind me I would sit on the floor and cry, knowing I would have to try again tomorrow. I would lay on the couch, under a blanket with my cats. No TV or computer or lights. Just my thoughts. I was scared of the world and myself and being out of control of my emotions. It was the most awful feeling. Everything made me anxious. I couldn't even watch new episodes of TV shows because I wouldn't know what was going to happen. I would only watch re-runs. Going to bed at night was the worst. I would lay in bed thinking about the next day of trying to go to work and knowing I would probably fail. Then I had my second panic attack
The hospital told me to see a cardiologist to make sure it was a panic attack and not my heart. I had to take an elevator to the third floor which was awful and it felt like everyone in the lobby was staring at me for being so much younger. When they called me back I freaked out. The nurse luckily got me to a room before I fainted. I started crying and breathing really hard and my heart rate spiked up again above 130 bpm. It was so embarassing but the nurse was patient and took care of me. It was very clear she was a mother, she just had that natural instinct.
My mom came to my apartment after the appointment and took me to the hospital. They told me it was panic and that I needed to go home. That night I had another uncontrollable episode and Stevie took me back to the emergency room. That time they admitted me.
My parents came by the following morning and told me they were afraid I was on the verge of a breakdown and I needed to leave my job, since at the time I thought that was where all my anxiety stemmed from. The following night when I was supposed to be discharged from the hospital I started to get anxious about going home. i was afraid something would happen and I would be too far from the hospital to get help again. I went into the bathroom and started hyperventilating. The nurse found me curled up in a ball on the floor in the bathroom. She moved me back to my bed and Stevie just held me. He held on so tight, like he thought he was going to lose me. I was really scared at that point that my life would never be the same again. I would never get control of my emotions and everything was just spiraling out of control. That night the nurse put in for me to be evaluated by the psychiatric department and that's when it was recommended I look into a local mental hospital.
Enough about the past for now though.
Monday, I had orientation. I surprisingly wasn't as nervous as I expected. It was probably because I knew I only had to keep my emotions in check for an hour an a half and that I would get a break to get myself together. I ended up knowing some of the other new hires and made friends with a really nice lady I met when I filled out my initial paperwork. I felt a little on edge because there were so many people in one small room but luckily management split us up with our individual managers and that group was much smaller. I ended up not staying past that for CPR training since a friend of mine was teaching it on Saturday and I would rather take it with someone I know- just to ease my nerves.
Monday night I did okay until I went to lay down to get some sleep. That's when it really kicked in that I was starting a new job and I had an 8 hour day of training in the morning. I showed up to training early Tuesday morning though to find that my friend (who is teaching CPR) was one of the trainers and that not everyone attended training- only the new hires. So the group was not very large and it made it much more relaxed. Our training ended up not last the entire 8 hours which was also nice. Wednesday and today went somewhat the same.
That being said though, I am starting to feel my nerves kick in. We have been given so much information in the past three days and no hands on experience and I honestly don't know what to expect. I am a planner and when I can't plan how things are going to turn out it causes me to stress about every little detail. Will I remember everything I'm supposed to document while the kids are there, will I remember the rules to the games we are playing, or will I remember to clean the exact way I was taught. What if an inspector shows up and I can't remember my ratio? I know I have someone at my school who has been with the program for some time but I don't want to let her down or depend on her to the point she gets irritated and feels like she would be better off without me. Plus, I haven't met her yet and I'm anxious about that. I'm over thinking. My therapist would tell me that I'm not a mind and I can't predict the future and I need to go into the whole situation optimistic and just see how it plays out. I can't be a worst case scenario thinker.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
I survived.
The title may seem dramatic or exaggerated but sadly, it's quite accurate. I had my first training session today for work and it was only an hour. It went well. I managed to talk to two of the girls there, which is a fairly big accomplishment for me since I'm shy and a loner- for the most part. It was a small session, so only about ten people or so were there. Once the trainer stated speaking with us I had two small mini-attacks. I felt faint and it got really hot in the training room but I managed to talk myself down. I drink some of my water and focused on my breathing. I got myself together and was able to stay in the room and continue listening to the trainer. I was very proud of myself for being able to battle through and do what I knew was the responsible thing. If this were a couple of months ago, I would have bolted from the room as soon as I started feeling uncomfortable (that's even if I had even made it to the session), and it just proves how far I've come. I know I'm making good progress but sometimes it's hard to see it. It's nice to be reminded every now and then how much you can overcome.
In September, when I started my leave of absence from work, I told myself I was done pushing myself into situations that made me uneasy. So, I never left the apartment, or really my bedroom. I was allowing myself to become a shut in because of my own stubbornness. Now, I'm not only leaving my room and my apartment, but I'm being put in a position where people will be depending on me to hold it together, and that is a huge step forward.
Two weeks ago, when I went for my initial interview, I wasn't anxious- like I expected. I had a normal amount of nerves, considering it was my first job interview in over five years. I thought it went well, but also knew I didn't have a huge amount of experience for the job I was applying for. This past Monday when the managers did call backs, I had pretty much convinced myself I wasn't going to get the position, so when I received a call, I was ecstatic. It may seem silly to most, but I was actually happy to the point of tears. All the things I had done to get to that point were things I never thought I would over come. I not only put in an application and went to the interview, but now I was accepting the position. I am moving forward with my life that I put on hold so many months ago. Finally, I am going to start contributing and helping my husband with bills and buying a house. Our life will start to move forward again and it's incredible. I got so low during the past few months, I never thought I would come this far. I was afraid I would never get to the point of being able to work and that my husband would grow to resent me because I put some much stress on him for being the sole provider for us. I thought I was going to lose everything.
Right before I went out on leave from my previous job, I had just gone back to full time hours, started school again, and was training for a possible promotion. I was moving my career in the right direction and Stevie (my husband) and I were only months away from buying a house and starting a family. Then everything came crashing down. I dropped back out of school, lost my promotion, and eventually left my job. Stevie and I had to put all our plans on hold and just allow life to happen. I had to trade in my car for something cheaper and we maxed out most of our credit cards. It's tough sitting at home, knowing it's your fault that you and your partner are struggling to make ends meet and that only adds to the stress of trying to overcome your condition. But throughout everything, he supported me. I have the best family and friends around me. They have been supportive every step of the way and it really made me appreciate them that much more.
In September, when I started my leave of absence from work, I told myself I was done pushing myself into situations that made me uneasy. So, I never left the apartment, or really my bedroom. I was allowing myself to become a shut in because of my own stubbornness. Now, I'm not only leaving my room and my apartment, but I'm being put in a position where people will be depending on me to hold it together, and that is a huge step forward.
Two weeks ago, when I went for my initial interview, I wasn't anxious- like I expected. I had a normal amount of nerves, considering it was my first job interview in over five years. I thought it went well, but also knew I didn't have a huge amount of experience for the job I was applying for. This past Monday when the managers did call backs, I had pretty much convinced myself I wasn't going to get the position, so when I received a call, I was ecstatic. It may seem silly to most, but I was actually happy to the point of tears. All the things I had done to get to that point were things I never thought I would over come. I not only put in an application and went to the interview, but now I was accepting the position. I am moving forward with my life that I put on hold so many months ago. Finally, I am going to start contributing and helping my husband with bills and buying a house. Our life will start to move forward again and it's incredible. I got so low during the past few months, I never thought I would come this far. I was afraid I would never get to the point of being able to work and that my husband would grow to resent me because I put some much stress on him for being the sole provider for us. I thought I was going to lose everything.
Right before I went out on leave from my previous job, I had just gone back to full time hours, started school again, and was training for a possible promotion. I was moving my career in the right direction and Stevie (my husband) and I were only months away from buying a house and starting a family. Then everything came crashing down. I dropped back out of school, lost my promotion, and eventually left my job. Stevie and I had to put all our plans on hold and just allow life to happen. I had to trade in my car for something cheaper and we maxed out most of our credit cards. It's tough sitting at home, knowing it's your fault that you and your partner are struggling to make ends meet and that only adds to the stress of trying to overcome your condition. But throughout everything, he supported me. I have the best family and friends around me. They have been supportive every step of the way and it really made me appreciate them that much more.
Friday, August 10, 2012
No better time than now...
My name is Tiffany and I suffer from a panic disorder. I'm 24 years old and seemingly healthy. I'm educated and well rounded. I studied for two years at the University of Mary Washington. I graduated at the top of my class in high school with an advanced diploma. I attended and won states on the debate team and I was the entertainment editor for the school newspaper. I was a member of not only the National Honor Society, but also the French Honor Society and Quill and Scroll, an honor society for journalists. I danced ballet for over twelve years and was part of a competition dance team. I attended the only semi-professional dance studio in the state of Virginia. I have one younger brother, whom I have a great relationship with and my parents are still married. It all seems fairly normal, right? Almost picture perfect.
But there is a wall in my mind. I'm smart enough to know it's not a real wall but one I have created in my head, yet I still can't get past it. When my anxiety acts up and a panic attack kicks in, it's like my whole world is ending in that moment. None of the amazing things I've done or experienced matter, the only thing I can think about is how frustrating life is living without being able to control my emotions and the on set of panic.
As defined by the National Institute of Mental Health, an anxiety disorder is a pattern of constant worry and anxiety over many different activities and events. Most of us experience anxiety in some form in our life. Whether it's jitters about the first day at school or nerves leading up to an interview for a job, everyone has felt nervous at least once in their life. So what's the difference between nervous and having an anxiety disorder?
With most people the nerves come and go, with the disorder the presence of worry is almost constant. Job interviews and starting school are no longer mere hurdles but a huge mountain to climb. Going to the grocery store, which is a normal task for most, becomes an on set of anxiety. This daily issue of nerves and anxiety can escalate and fester into a panic disorder, which is defined as the repeat occurrence of unexpected panic attacks, during which the individual experiences a strong fear with anticipation of death. A typical panic attack can feel like a heart attack, which only makes the panic worse. Your chest will tighten, your heart can race, one may feel faint or dizzy, and you can become very tearful. Most panic attacks only last 20 minutes or so, but it can feel like an eternity to the individual suffering through one. Another problem for those suffering from panic disorders is the constant fear of another panic attack. Now, not only are you fearful of certain situations but you're afraid of your own mind and body having another episode that you can't control.
I have always dealt with anxiety, which I perceived to be fairly normal. I would tense up before the first day of school and be sick to my stomach that morning. When I switched schools, whether from elementary to middle or middle to high, it would always be that much worse. I would cry myself to sleep the night before school started and pray that something would happen so I wouldn't have to go. Before going on stage for a dance recital I would feel shaky and somewhat faint, but always managed to push through. The same would happen before any debate tournament and I would feel my face get flush and the temperature in the room would spike up while I was giving my argument. When I finished my speech and sat down my hands would shake uncontrollably, but I believed it was just adrenaline working through me.
When I went to my first job interview, it was unimaginable. I sat in my car convincing myself that I had to go inside the building. Then the unthinkable happened, I got the job. My first day at work was a nightmare. I remember feeling lost and having trouble concentrating the whole shift and cried for hours after I got home. I pushed my way through it and came out stronger, but it didn't get easier. I learned that the anxiety was just a part of who I was. I thought it was normal and that everyone always felt the same way I did, they just did a better job at hiding it.
When I was 17 years old, I was involved in a bad car accident. I never really had nerves about driving a vehicle but that night changed everything as far as riding in a vehicle. I was sitting in the back on the passenger side of a two door Honda hatchback. The boy driving was going well over the speed limit and not listening to our requests for him to slow down. We were on a back road and were luckily the only car present. He went around a curve to quickly and hit gravel, he overcorrected and we went head first into a tree running over 80mph. The car crumpled, the windows shattered, and all I could hear was screaming. I hate to sound cliché, but it really did happen in slow motion. I remember hearing him skid on the gravel and telling us we were going to hit a tree, and then we did. The doors were bent in and couldn't be opened. The glove box in the dashboard had went through the passenger side window and the girl in the front seat was able to get out. I couldn't get her seat to move forward and was trapped in the back of this car. We were sitting on the wrong side of a dark road and there was traffic coming at us. I remember asking her not to leave me and to help me, and she did. She pulled me out of the car through the window and we got to safety on the side of the road. I didn't know what emotion to feel. For a few moments we laughed, I think out of shock. When I saw my mom before I was taken to the hospital in the ambulance, I realized what had happened and cried. Everything considered, we were fine. My knee had been caught between the front seat and the door and I dealt with some fluid in it and was on crutches for a short amount of time. The driver broke his collar bone and the girl in the front only suffered a few scratches. The paramedics said we missed wrapping the car around the trip by inches. I'm not a hugely religious person, but that was definitely a sign that someone was riding with us and it was not our time to go.
After the accident, I took the liberty of driving whenever I went somewhere with my friends and therefore, I didn't find out how much of a toll this accident had taken on me until some years later. A few friends and I decided to make a late night trip to the beach and we were going to take his car. It was the first time I rode in the back seat of a two door car since the accident and I didn't put the puzzle pieces together until later. Not even twenty minutes into our trip and I couldn't breathe and I was nauseous. We pulled over and I got myself together, thinking it was just a momentary problem, and we were on our way. A few minutes later, he had to pull over again and ended up letting me drive us back home. From that day forward, I refused to sit in the back of a car and have another episode like that occur. I didn't realize it at the time, but that would have been my first panic attack.
In September of 2011, I had, what I thought was my first, and most intense panic attack. I remember I was laying in bed, doing homework and watching TV. I had worked that day and my husband was in the living room playing a video game. I was laying on a heating pad because my chiropractic appointment had left me somewhat sore. I felt my heart start to speed up and figured it was just the heat getting to me, so I turned off the pad and took an Advil PM to help relax and get some sleep. I laid in bed tossing and turning for two hours with my heart still racing. I went and laid on the couch to avoid waking my husband and lay there my whole body shaking and not understanding why. Finally, I woke my husband up and told him we needed to go to the hospital. I couldn't form coherent sentences, I couldn't think, I was shaking to the point of not being able to walk, and I thought my heart may jump out of my chest. The doctors in the ER diagnosed it as a panic attack and gave me Lorazepam, which is a benzodiazepine- a common treatment for panic attacks. The medicine barely effected me. After another dose in my IV though and I didn't know who I was. Six or so hours after it had all started, I was finally not shaking and my heart began to slow down. That day, my life changed. I spent the next week laying in bed afraid anything would trigger another panic attack and that was the last thing I wanted. I thought I was dying and I never wanted to experience that again. I finally
convinced myself to go back to work the following week only to break down in tears twenty minutes into my shift and leave.
I ended up back in the hospital two more times for panic attacks and on the final time they admitted me. I spent two and half days in the hospital going through psychiatric evaluations and was transferred to an outpatient program at a local mental hospital. I spent my 24th birthday at an interview with a program counselor getting ready to start my treatment. It was horrible. Admitting you have an issue serious enough to put you in a mental hospital is tough, at least it was for me. I felt like there was such a stigma placed on patients of mental hospitals and I didn't want anyone to think I was crazy.
Going to the first day of treatment was hard. I remember feeling uncomfortable and anxious and ready to bolt out the door at any second. I refused to go the following day, afraid going would cause another panic attack. My husband forced me to go the third day and then my insurance advised me that they wouldn't cover the program because I wasn't threatening to hurt myself or anyone else. I was discharged from the program and referred to a counselor and a psychiatrist. I was devastated. I had finally admitted I needed help but I couldn't afford to actually get the help I needed.
The psychiatrist I ended up seeing, simply wanted to drug me and move on with life. Living like a zombie may have gotten rid of the panic for the most part, but it wasn't ideal. My counselor on the other hand is incredible and has helped me make tremendous progress. She has taught me coping skills and always been there to remind me that I am strong enough to conquer anything and I'll get through this.
Tomorrow, I start training for my new job. It's my first step back into the real world since that first terrible panic attack in September. It has been almost a year and I am extremely nervous for tomorrow. But I want to write this blog to document what life is like living with a panic disorder and document my struggles with getting re-acclimated to the "real world." It will not only help me to get some of this off my chest, but I hope it will reach someone who is going through a similar situation and they will realize that they're not alone. I'm sure through the course of these entries, I'll retrace some steps and fill in the blanks from the past 11 months but the focus is on the present and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, always.
Reference:
US National Library of Medicine- www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth
But there is a wall in my mind. I'm smart enough to know it's not a real wall but one I have created in my head, yet I still can't get past it. When my anxiety acts up and a panic attack kicks in, it's like my whole world is ending in that moment. None of the amazing things I've done or experienced matter, the only thing I can think about is how frustrating life is living without being able to control my emotions and the on set of panic.
As defined by the National Institute of Mental Health, an anxiety disorder is a pattern of constant worry and anxiety over many different activities and events. Most of us experience anxiety in some form in our life. Whether it's jitters about the first day at school or nerves leading up to an interview for a job, everyone has felt nervous at least once in their life. So what's the difference between nervous and having an anxiety disorder?
With most people the nerves come and go, with the disorder the presence of worry is almost constant. Job interviews and starting school are no longer mere hurdles but a huge mountain to climb. Going to the grocery store, which is a normal task for most, becomes an on set of anxiety. This daily issue of nerves and anxiety can escalate and fester into a panic disorder, which is defined as the repeat occurrence of unexpected panic attacks, during which the individual experiences a strong fear with anticipation of death. A typical panic attack can feel like a heart attack, which only makes the panic worse. Your chest will tighten, your heart can race, one may feel faint or dizzy, and you can become very tearful. Most panic attacks only last 20 minutes or so, but it can feel like an eternity to the individual suffering through one. Another problem for those suffering from panic disorders is the constant fear of another panic attack. Now, not only are you fearful of certain situations but you're afraid of your own mind and body having another episode that you can't control.
I have always dealt with anxiety, which I perceived to be fairly normal. I would tense up before the first day of school and be sick to my stomach that morning. When I switched schools, whether from elementary to middle or middle to high, it would always be that much worse. I would cry myself to sleep the night before school started and pray that something would happen so I wouldn't have to go. Before going on stage for a dance recital I would feel shaky and somewhat faint, but always managed to push through. The same would happen before any debate tournament and I would feel my face get flush and the temperature in the room would spike up while I was giving my argument. When I finished my speech and sat down my hands would shake uncontrollably, but I believed it was just adrenaline working through me.
When I went to my first job interview, it was unimaginable. I sat in my car convincing myself that I had to go inside the building. Then the unthinkable happened, I got the job. My first day at work was a nightmare. I remember feeling lost and having trouble concentrating the whole shift and cried for hours after I got home. I pushed my way through it and came out stronger, but it didn't get easier. I learned that the anxiety was just a part of who I was. I thought it was normal and that everyone always felt the same way I did, they just did a better job at hiding it.
When I was 17 years old, I was involved in a bad car accident. I never really had nerves about driving a vehicle but that night changed everything as far as riding in a vehicle. I was sitting in the back on the passenger side of a two door Honda hatchback. The boy driving was going well over the speed limit and not listening to our requests for him to slow down. We were on a back road and were luckily the only car present. He went around a curve to quickly and hit gravel, he overcorrected and we went head first into a tree running over 80mph. The car crumpled, the windows shattered, and all I could hear was screaming. I hate to sound cliché, but it really did happen in slow motion. I remember hearing him skid on the gravel and telling us we were going to hit a tree, and then we did. The doors were bent in and couldn't be opened. The glove box in the dashboard had went through the passenger side window and the girl in the front seat was able to get out. I couldn't get her seat to move forward and was trapped in the back of this car. We were sitting on the wrong side of a dark road and there was traffic coming at us. I remember asking her not to leave me and to help me, and she did. She pulled me out of the car through the window and we got to safety on the side of the road. I didn't know what emotion to feel. For a few moments we laughed, I think out of shock. When I saw my mom before I was taken to the hospital in the ambulance, I realized what had happened and cried. Everything considered, we were fine. My knee had been caught between the front seat and the door and I dealt with some fluid in it and was on crutches for a short amount of time. The driver broke his collar bone and the girl in the front only suffered a few scratches. The paramedics said we missed wrapping the car around the trip by inches. I'm not a hugely religious person, but that was definitely a sign that someone was riding with us and it was not our time to go.
After the accident, I took the liberty of driving whenever I went somewhere with my friends and therefore, I didn't find out how much of a toll this accident had taken on me until some years later. A few friends and I decided to make a late night trip to the beach and we were going to take his car. It was the first time I rode in the back seat of a two door car since the accident and I didn't put the puzzle pieces together until later. Not even twenty minutes into our trip and I couldn't breathe and I was nauseous. We pulled over and I got myself together, thinking it was just a momentary problem, and we were on our way. A few minutes later, he had to pull over again and ended up letting me drive us back home. From that day forward, I refused to sit in the back of a car and have another episode like that occur. I didn't realize it at the time, but that would have been my first panic attack.
In September of 2011, I had, what I thought was my first, and most intense panic attack. I remember I was laying in bed, doing homework and watching TV. I had worked that day and my husband was in the living room playing a video game. I was laying on a heating pad because my chiropractic appointment had left me somewhat sore. I felt my heart start to speed up and figured it was just the heat getting to me, so I turned off the pad and took an Advil PM to help relax and get some sleep. I laid in bed tossing and turning for two hours with my heart still racing. I went and laid on the couch to avoid waking my husband and lay there my whole body shaking and not understanding why. Finally, I woke my husband up and told him we needed to go to the hospital. I couldn't form coherent sentences, I couldn't think, I was shaking to the point of not being able to walk, and I thought my heart may jump out of my chest. The doctors in the ER diagnosed it as a panic attack and gave me Lorazepam, which is a benzodiazepine- a common treatment for panic attacks. The medicine barely effected me. After another dose in my IV though and I didn't know who I was. Six or so hours after it had all started, I was finally not shaking and my heart began to slow down. That day, my life changed. I spent the next week laying in bed afraid anything would trigger another panic attack and that was the last thing I wanted. I thought I was dying and I never wanted to experience that again. I finally
convinced myself to go back to work the following week only to break down in tears twenty minutes into my shift and leave.
I ended up back in the hospital two more times for panic attacks and on the final time they admitted me. I spent two and half days in the hospital going through psychiatric evaluations and was transferred to an outpatient program at a local mental hospital. I spent my 24th birthday at an interview with a program counselor getting ready to start my treatment. It was horrible. Admitting you have an issue serious enough to put you in a mental hospital is tough, at least it was for me. I felt like there was such a stigma placed on patients of mental hospitals and I didn't want anyone to think I was crazy.
Going to the first day of treatment was hard. I remember feeling uncomfortable and anxious and ready to bolt out the door at any second. I refused to go the following day, afraid going would cause another panic attack. My husband forced me to go the third day and then my insurance advised me that they wouldn't cover the program because I wasn't threatening to hurt myself or anyone else. I was discharged from the program and referred to a counselor and a psychiatrist. I was devastated. I had finally admitted I needed help but I couldn't afford to actually get the help I needed.
The psychiatrist I ended up seeing, simply wanted to drug me and move on with life. Living like a zombie may have gotten rid of the panic for the most part, but it wasn't ideal. My counselor on the other hand is incredible and has helped me make tremendous progress. She has taught me coping skills and always been there to remind me that I am strong enough to conquer anything and I'll get through this.
Tomorrow, I start training for my new job. It's my first step back into the real world since that first terrible panic attack in September. It has been almost a year and I am extremely nervous for tomorrow. But I want to write this blog to document what life is like living with a panic disorder and document my struggles with getting re-acclimated to the "real world." It will not only help me to get some of this off my chest, but I hope it will reach someone who is going through a similar situation and they will realize that they're not alone. I'm sure through the course of these entries, I'll retrace some steps and fill in the blanks from the past 11 months but the focus is on the present and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, always.
Reference:
US National Library of Medicine- www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth
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