I survived.

The title may seem dramatic or exaggerated but sadly, it's quite accurate. I had my first training session today for work and it was only an hour. It went well. I managed to talk to two of the girls there, which is a fairly big accomplishment for me since I'm shy and a loner- for the most part. It was a small session, so only about ten people or so were there. Once the trainer stated speaking with us I had two small mini-attacks. I felt faint and it got really hot in the training room but I managed to talk myself down. I drink some of my water and focused on my breathing. I got myself together and was able to stay in the room and continue listening to the trainer. I was very proud of myself for being able to battle through and do what I knew was the responsible thing. If this were a couple of months ago, I would have bolted from the room as soon as I started feeling uncomfortable (that's even if I had even made it to the session), and it just proves how far I've come. I know I'm making good progress but sometimes it's hard to see it. It's nice to be reminded every now and then how much you can overcome. 

In September, when I started my leave of absence from work, I told myself I was done pushing myself into situations that made me uneasy. So, I never left the apartment, or really my bedroom. I was allowing myself to become a shut in because of my own stubbornness. Now, I'm not only leaving my room and my apartment, but I'm being put in a position where people will be depending on me to hold it together, and that is a huge step forward. 

Two weeks ago, when I went for my initial interview, I wasn't anxious- like I expected. I had a normal amount of nerves, considering it was my first job interview in over five years. I thought it went well, but also knew I didn't have a huge amount of experience for the job I was applying for. This past Monday when the managers did call backs, I had pretty much convinced myself I wasn't going to get the position, so when I received a call, I was ecstatic. It may seem silly to most, but I was actually happy to the point of tears. All the things I had done to get to that point were things I never thought I would over come. I not only put in an application and went to the interview, but now I was accepting the position. I am moving forward with my life that I put on hold so many months ago. Finally, I am going to start contributing and helping my husband with bills and buying a house. Our life will start to move forward again and it's incredible. I got so low during the past few months, I never thought I would come this far. I was afraid I would never get to the point of being able to work and that my husband would grow to resent me because I put some much stress on him for being the sole provider for us. I thought I was going to lose everything.

Right before I went out on leave from my previous job, I had just gone back to full time hours, started school again, and was training for a possible promotion. I was moving my career in the right direction and Stevie (my husband) and I were only months away from buying a house and starting a family. Then everything came crashing down. I dropped back out of school, lost my promotion, and eventually left my job. Stevie and I had to put all our plans on hold and just allow life to happen. I had to trade in my car for something cheaper and we maxed out most of our credit cards. It's tough sitting at home, knowing it's your fault that you and your partner are struggling to make ends meet and that only adds to the stress of trying to overcome your condition. But throughout everything, he supported me. I have the best family and friends around me. They have been supportive every step of the way and it really made me appreciate them that much more.