I have been meaning to update this for a few days but have actually been pretty busy with work and such. I thought right now would be a perfect time to sit down and write though since I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed and anxious, so you'll probably see how scattered my thoughts are "mid" panic attack.
Sunday night I found myself reminiscing about how terrible things were in September. The week after my panic attack when I tried to go back to work was horrible. I would show up, try to take a few phone calls and just start shaking and break down in tears. Not even thirty minutes into my shift and I was leaving. The drive home always felt like an eternity. I would pull into the parking lot and walk to my apartment. Eyes on the ground, just tunnel vision blocking out the world. As soon as I shut my door behind me I would sit on the floor and cry, knowing I would have to try again tomorrow. I would lay on the couch, under a blanket with my cats. No TV or computer or lights. Just my thoughts. I was scared of the world and myself and being out of control of my emotions. It was the most awful feeling. Everything made me anxious. I couldn't even watch new episodes of TV shows because I wouldn't know what was going to happen. I would only watch re-runs. Going to bed at night was the worst. I would lay in bed thinking about the next day of trying to go to work and knowing I would probably fail. Then I had my second panic attack
The hospital told me to see a cardiologist to make sure it was a panic attack and not my heart. I had to take an elevator to the third floor which was awful and it felt like everyone in the lobby was staring at me for being so much younger. When they called me back I freaked out. The nurse luckily got me to a room before I fainted. I started crying and breathing really hard and my heart rate spiked up again above 130 bpm. It was so embarassing but the nurse was patient and took care of me. It was very clear she was a mother, she just had that natural instinct.
My mom came to my apartment after the appointment and took me to the hospital. They told me it was panic and that I needed to go home. That night I had another uncontrollable episode and Stevie took me back to the emergency room. That time they admitted me.
My parents came by the following morning and told me they were afraid I was on the verge of a breakdown and I needed to leave my job, since at the time I thought that was where all my anxiety stemmed from. The following night when I was supposed to be discharged from the hospital I started to get anxious about going home. i was afraid something would happen and I would be too far from the hospital to get help again. I went into the bathroom and started hyperventilating. The nurse found me curled up in a ball on the floor in the bathroom. She moved me back to my bed and Stevie just held me. He held on so tight, like he thought he was going to lose me. I was really scared at that point that my life would never be the same again. I would never get control of my emotions and everything was just spiraling out of control. That night the nurse put in for me to be evaluated by the psychiatric department and that's when it was recommended I look into a local mental hospital.
Enough about the past for now though.
Monday, I had orientation. I surprisingly wasn't as nervous as I expected. It was probably because I knew I only had to keep my emotions in check for an hour an a half and that I would get a break to get myself together. I ended up knowing some of the other new hires and made friends with a really nice lady I met when I filled out my initial paperwork. I felt a little on edge because there were so many people in one small room but luckily management split us up with our individual managers and that group was much smaller. I ended up not staying past that for CPR training since a friend of mine was teaching it on Saturday and I would rather take it with someone I know- just to ease my nerves.
Monday night I did okay until I went to lay down to get some sleep. That's when it really kicked in that I was starting a new job and I had an 8 hour day of training in the morning. I showed up to training early Tuesday morning though to find that my friend (who is teaching CPR) was one of the trainers and that not everyone attended training- only the new hires. So the group was not very large and it made it much more relaxed. Our training ended up not last the entire 8 hours which was also nice. Wednesday and today went somewhat the same.
That being said though, I am starting to feel my nerves kick in. We have been given so much information in the past three days and no hands on experience and I honestly don't know what to expect. I am a planner and when I can't plan how things are going to turn out it causes me to stress about every little detail. Will I remember everything I'm supposed to document while the kids are there, will I remember the rules to the games we are playing, or will I remember to clean the exact way I was taught. What if an inspector shows up and I can't remember my ratio? I know I have someone at my school who has been with the program for some time but I don't want to let her down or depend on her to the point she gets irritated and feels like she would be better off without me. Plus, I haven't met her yet and I'm anxious about that. I'm over thinking. My therapist would tell me that I'm not a mind and I can't predict the future and I need to go into the whole situation optimistic and just see how it plays out. I can't be a worst case scenario thinker.
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