It's funny the things you take for granted when you are married or have someone. I hate sleeping alone and not having someone to wake up and bother when I can't sleep. I miss hand holding and hugs. I actually miss having someone to cook dinner for. And someone to find my glasses since I never remember to put them in the case. I miss having that one person that knows you inside and out and can fix any issue by just smiling and being there. He knew all my issues and how to handle things. He knew the right things to say and do when I was upset or angry. He's still the first person I call if my anxiety is going nuts and despite everything, he still helps me through it. Don't get me wrong I like having the time to focus on me and work on myself, but I hate being lonely. Dating sucks. Meeting people is tough, especially when you're as shy as me. First dates feel like an interview. I find myself comparing people to him and looking for qualities that I'm used to and people that do things he used to do because that's what I'm comfortable with. Or the whole other extreme and look for people nothing like him so it doesn't remind me. It sounds silly but there are some songs I'll never be able to listen to again. I think what makes it tough is I get caught up in the memories. I miss the way things used to be and rationally I know it would never be like that again but my heart can be louder than my mind and I find myself thinking one more shot wouldn't hurt anything. I gave this person six years of my life, what's another few months even if it fails? But I can't. And I won't.
The safe way to recover is to slip back into the past. Go back to someone who you already know. Try to rekindle sparks that went out a long time ago. You think people change and it's been so many years, maybe this time around will be different. Sometimes it is, but usually that's not the case. People will always be essentially the same at the core. Little things may change and people mature, but the framework of their personality stays the same. My dad always tells me to stop re-reading chapters in my life.
Then you meet someone completely new. He's nothing like what you're used to. He challenges you and pushes you to face things you were comfortable avoiding. It's like a breath of fresh air. Suddenly the process of getting to know someone new becomes more like an adventure. Now, there is someone who texts you first thing in the morning and calls you on his lunch. He wants to learn about you and help you deal with things. He's patient and understanding. There's distance involved but it only makes the time together sweeter. Plus, there's no routine to get into. Things happen as they're supposed to and you just go with the flow. If it works, great. If it doesn't, well everything happens for a reason.
Everyone tells me to focus on me and work on becoming emotionally "autonomous." But, I don't see the harm in having people in my life that care about me. I'm not going to pass up opportunities simply because I haven't been separated long enough, according to some time frame that society has defined. This is me doing me. Relationships are an important aspect of my life and that will never change. I just need to be smarter about the relationships I develop and how much control I let them have over my life. I want to stand on my own and know that I can't handle the world by myself, but also know I don't have to because there is someone in my corner.
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