Alone in this bed...

It's funny the things you take for granted when you are married or have someone. I hate sleeping alone and not having someone to wake up and bother when I can't sleep. I miss hand holding and hugs. I actually miss having someone to cook dinner for. And someone to find my glasses since I never remember to put them in the case. I miss having that one person that knows you inside and out and can fix any issue by just smiling and being there. He knew all my issues and how to handle things. He knew the right things to say and do when I was upset or angry. He's still the first person I call if my anxiety is going nuts and despite everything, he still helps me through it. Don't get me wrong I like having the time to focus on me and work on myself, but I hate being lonely. Dating sucks. Meeting people is tough, especially when you're as shy as me. First dates feel like an interview. I find myself comparing people to him and looking for qualities that I'm used to and people that do things he used to do because that's what I'm comfortable with. Or the whole other extreme and look for people nothing like him so it doesn't remind me. It sounds silly but there are some songs I'll never be able to listen to again. I think what makes it tough is I get caught up in the memories. I miss the way things used to be and rationally I know it would never be like that again but my heart can be louder than my mind and I find myself thinking one more shot wouldn't hurt anything. I gave this person six years of my life, what's another few months even if it fails? But I can't. And I won't. 
The safe way to recover is to slip back into the past. Go back to someone who you already know. Try to rekindle sparks that went out a long time ago. You think people change and it's been so many years, maybe this time around will be different. Sometimes it is, but usually that's not the case. People will always be essentially the same at the core. Little things may change and people mature, but the framework of their personality stays the same. My dad always tells me to stop re-reading chapters in my life. 
Then you meet someone completely new. He's nothing like what you're used to. He challenges you and pushes you to face things you were comfortable avoiding. It's like a breath of fresh air. Suddenly the process of getting to know someone new becomes more like an adventure. Now, there is someone who texts you first thing in the morning and calls you on his lunch. He wants to learn about you and help you deal with things. He's patient and understanding. There's distance involved but it only makes the time together sweeter. Plus, there's no routine to get into. Things happen as they're supposed to and you just go with the flow. If it works, great. If it doesn't, well everything happens for a reason. 
Everyone tells me to focus on me and work on becoming emotionally "autonomous." But, I don't see the harm in having people in my life that care about me. I'm not going to pass up opportunities simply because I haven't been separated long enough, according to some time frame that society has defined. This is me doing me. Relationships are an important aspect of my life and that will never change. I just need to be smarter about the relationships I develop and how much control I let them have over my life. I want to stand on my own and know that I can't handle the world by myself, but also know I don't have to because there is someone in my corner.  

One year.

Wow, reading that post from March of last year is surreal now that I see how things have played out. I openly wrote that I wasn't happy in my marriage but I never took it serious enough until it was too late. It's interesting reading through all of these posts though and to see how far I've come. My life has been a roller coaster ride.

So much has changed. The biggest thing is I'm separated- in the process of a divorce. I have been living with my parents since November trying to get on my feet to get my own place. Stevie and I still speak and are on decent terms, usually. Once he signs the divorce papers everything will be filed and it should be finalized before the end of April. This whole situation has turned my life upside down. I never wanted to be a divorce statistics. I used to always be that person who said divorce was just a couple giving up. It's funny when the shoe is on the other foot. 

I got promoted in August 2013. I am now an assistant manager for our childcare program at the YMCA. I switched to two different schools and work for the most amazing chick on the planet. We have been friends since middle school and she is awesome at her job and I wouldn't want to work for anyone else. My staff make my life quite a bit easier too..I would say I'm very lucky. Plus, the kids at these schools are so different from what I'm used to that I feel I have a better understanding of my job and can adapt to different environments better now.

I am a full time student as well. I graduate this December with my Bachelor's in psychology. I have senioritis like crazy right now and am actually taking a two week break from school starting Tuesday (thank goodness). 

I have a second job at a local bowling alley. This is my second or third week working there and it's alright. It is overwhelming at times and frustrating at others but I think once I get into a routine and get used to working with the public again, I'll be okay.

I've started seeing my counselor on a regular basis again because things have been crazy since my separation. My anxiety spikes at random times and I'm always a little uneasy. I'm still taking all the same meds I was prescribed years ago after getting out of the hospital. It's crazy to think I'm still on all those prescriptions. 

I want to start writing again because it used to always help with my anxiety and I figured I would at least post an update tonight and get everyone up to speed. My life has always been an open book- I have nothing to hide and always hope that someone can learn something from my experiences.