Optimistic

It's been almost a year since my first panic attack and I'm not going to lie, it's been hard. It's been a struggle emotionally, as well as financially. There have been times when I wanted to give up and thought I wouldn't get through this. But, now that the worst is in my rear view mirror, I wouldn't change a thing about the past year. I would have never realized how strong I am and how much I can conquer. I have overcome so much and moved my life in a better direction. I have a more positive outlook on life than I think I've ever had. No matter how tough things get, I can now look at a situation and know it could be worse. I spent my birthday in a mental hospital and I wouldn't change that either. I admitted there was an issue and got the help I needed. A good friend of mine told me that everything happens for a reason and for a long time I struggled to figure out what that reason was and why it was happening. Now, I realize it doesn't matter why it happened, it just matters that I survived. Now, I have a job I actually enjoy. Okay, the money is not as good but the atmosphere is so healthy. I get paid to be creative and spend time with kids and play games. I have the most supportive co-workers you could ask for. It's an environment that is beneficial to my state of mind instead of making things worse. I have never been a morning person, yet I don't mind getting up at 5am everyday to go to work. I look forward to being at work and enjoy most everything about it. It's helped me find a direction in life and helped me get things back on track. It's going to allow Stevie and I to buy a house and start our family. My goals are no longer on the back burner and it feels amazing. 

Before this past year, I never put a lot of value in therapy. But, finding the right counselor makes all the difference and can be a huge benefit. Sure, the medication helped me in the beginning. Life goes on regardless of your mental state and you can't just pause everything. The medicine allows you to continue your day to day routine and try to stay on track while you learn the coping skills and such that you need from therapy.  But, the therapy is what actually makes the difference. I will never be completely rid of anxiety and panic in my life, but I now have techniques and ways to deal with it and not let it affect me as severely. I strongly suggest therapy to anyone. It gives me an outlet to get things off my chest and to get a different perspective on things- a non-objective or judgmental perspective. Plus, I don't want to be dependent on the medications for the rest of my life. I want to be in control of my own emotions.

This past year has also made me realize how quickly time goes by. Don't take advantage of it. Every moment is precious and make the most of everyday. Life is what you make it. You can't sit back and wait for things to happen, you have to go out there and pursue your dreams. 

Insecurities

Last week was the first time I had doubts about my job. There were two points last week where I wondered if I had made the right decision getting back into working and if this job was for me. I think it's everything else that is piled on my plate leading me to second guess my decision.I just let myself get overwhelmed. Sometimes, I feel trapped in the schedule or so responsible that if I get sick or call in or have an anxiety issue I won't be able to call in because I'll feel bad for my co-workers. But, I need to remember that I'm in control and I can handle this. I stuck with it though and I will continue to. I know this is the right decision even if at some points I feel like I'm falling. I start feeling insecure with myself and my lack of confidence is not helping. I'm always worried I'm not doing enough or I'm not handling situations correctly. Even though my manager and my PL2 tell me I'm doing a great job, I still have doubts. It's like when my insecurities kick in, I become a mind reader, which is one of my huge downfalls. I'm convinced people feel a certain way and just tell me what I want to hear. I assume too much and always expect the worst. I have been working on this with my therapist because it's something I do outside of work as well. I need to ask people and take their word, because no one can mind read and there is no reason for people to lie about their feelings.

I am really starting to figure the kids out and how to get them to listen and respond to me. I feel like with every passing week, I am making some sort of progress and it's really promising. However, instead of being excited and anxious to get promoted to a PL2, I'm grateful that I'm only a PL1 and have someone I can look up to and depend on. I am just not ready for that responsibility, and maybe with time I'll get there.

My life, or at least my emotions, feel like a roller coaster recently. Some days I can conquer the world and others I'm having to force myself to continue being strong. Maybe since the newness of the job has worn off and the reality has set in that this is necessary for Stevie and I to buy a house, it seems more real and all the novelty of the situation is gone. I don't know though.

My new goal is to work on traveling and I have made absolutely no progress. Even at work today, we were discussing field trips and having to ride the bus with our kids and there is no way I would be able to do that and we are only going 5 or 10 minutes down the road. I have got to get over this fear. I want to go to the beach and Pennsylvania, and DC, and all these other amazing places I visited when I was younger. Stevie didn't get to travel like I did and I want to show him everything I've seen and not hold him back. Even on good days when I feel like I could make the drive, I start thinking of how I would feel when I got to my destination. What if I have a good day and make the drive somewhere but then don't feel as confident later on in the day or the next day and can't make the drive back. Then, I'm stuck and miles away from my comfort zone- which is my apartment. Thinking like this though is only setting me up for failure. I need to find a way to make my car a comfort zone so no matter where I am I'll feel safe in my car so I can at least get home.

It's crazy to think it's been almost a year since all this started. I have come so far but I know I have a long road ahead of me. Not only with conquering my traveling fear, but with getting off the medicines so that Stevie and I can try and start a family next year. There are a lot of changes going on now and within the next few months and I need to try and keep myself grounded and not take on too much. I have Stevie to share the load with and I need to remember that he can handle it. I kept so much from him before all this started because I didn't want to stress him out, but that is what put me in the hospital. Then Stevie had the entire load on his shoulders- not only dealing with me but keeping us a float financially. I can't even imagine how that felt to him to be solely responsible for not only himself but me. I don't want to ever do that to him again, so if I start off sharing the responsibility then hopefully it will never get to that point again.

It seems like my anxiety has mellowed out though, at least during the week. I'm so busy with work and keeping up with the apartment and what not, that during the work week I don't have time to be anxious. My mind is always occupied with things that I can't focus or dwell on those negative thoughts. However, on the weekend when I finally have time to sit down or relax, it seems the anxiety is much worse because it's all been building up over the week. I do prefer having one large anxiety attack on the weekend then constantly feeling anxious everyday, but the ideal situation would be to not have the anxiety at all. One day. I have to keep thinking positive.

I have therapy tomorrow. My sessions are every three weeks now and this is the longest I've gone without a session since I started seeing my therapist and I feel good. I am looking forward to it though, it's a safe place for me to get a lot of things off my chest and have her help me analyze things I don't understand that are going on in my mind.

I think its funny I used to tell my therapist that schedules made me feel trapped. Like following a schedule was overwhelming and that's why I was worried I wouldn't be able to work again because I would be bound to the hours handed to me from my manager and such and now I realize I love having a routine. I think the hours at my job are ideal though because if I do get overwhelmed in the morning, I have a break during the day to get myself together and be better for my second shift.

My thoughts are kind of scattered, so I apologize to anyone reading this- I'm pretty all over the place today.