I am trying to stop using the ativan because Stevie and I want to start a family this year. However, the closer I get to not needing the ativan the more I realize I don't like who I am. I don't enjoy life the way I used to or the way I did with the ativan. It's like in order to be happy I need the drugs. It makes me think all the "progress" I've made is for nothing and tainted because I wouldn't have made it without the ativan. Even worse, it may not be progress I wanted- it was just what seemed right at the time.
I'm finding now that I'm not so foggy from the prescriptions that I don't actually like the way my life is. I'm not as happy in my marriage. I'm not a great friend to anyone. I prefer being by myself doing my own thing. Stevie and I work opposite shifts and I find that it doesn't bother me. It's more relaxing. I can come home after my evening shift and make dinner and enjoy the quiet. I can do my own thing at my own speed and not have to worry about entertaining him or making sure he's happy. (By entertaining I just mean making sure he's not bored- like watch a movie or what not). When we do end up with days off together, we fight. Fight to the point that I take the ativan just so we can enjoy the day together. I used to think that the moody and aggressiveness were all signs of "withdrawal" but I think it's just who I am.
I am also realizing that I don't want to start a family. I'm doing all this work to get my life together and get off medication for a goal I don't actually think I want. I got so wrapped up in my life moving forward from the anxiety that it was just the next step to have a baby and start a family. But, what if that's not what I want? Do I have a baby to suffice my marriage and hope that the "mothering" instinct kicks in or do I not have a baby and tell Stevie to find someone else because I would never want to hold him back from having a family because I know how important it is to him.
I don't want to be fake. But, I'm not the great person I like to think I am. Granted, I have always been my own worst enemy but honesty is better than optimism. When I get upset, I hate the world- not just the person who triggered it. I'm not the kind of woman to play games. If I say leave me alone, it means leave me alone or you're going to catch hell.
The point of this post was to make me feel better, relieved from everything in my head- but it's not working...
I have more questions than answers and more anger than happiness. Do I stay on the meds and live this foggy life that was so picture perfect for a while or do I finish weening myself off of them and figure out what it is that actually makes me happy? What if it's different from what it was before all the anxiety? And if so, why is it different? What changed in me to push me away from the person I used to be?
