Alone in this bed...

It's funny the things you take for granted when you are married or have someone. I hate sleeping alone and not having someone to wake up and bother when I can't sleep. I miss hand holding and hugs. I actually miss having someone to cook dinner for. And someone to find my glasses since I never remember to put them in the case. I miss having that one person that knows you inside and out and can fix any issue by just smiling and being there. He knew all my issues and how to handle things. He knew the right things to say and do when I was upset or angry. He's still the first person I call if my anxiety is going nuts and despite everything, he still helps me through it. Don't get me wrong I like having the time to focus on me and work on myself, but I hate being lonely. Dating sucks. Meeting people is tough, especially when you're as shy as me. First dates feel like an interview. I find myself comparing people to him and looking for qualities that I'm used to and people that do things he used to do because that's what I'm comfortable with. Or the whole other extreme and look for people nothing like him so it doesn't remind me. It sounds silly but there are some songs I'll never be able to listen to again. I think what makes it tough is I get caught up in the memories. I miss the way things used to be and rationally I know it would never be like that again but my heart can be louder than my mind and I find myself thinking one more shot wouldn't hurt anything. I gave this person six years of my life, what's another few months even if it fails? But I can't. And I won't. 
The safe way to recover is to slip back into the past. Go back to someone who you already know. Try to rekindle sparks that went out a long time ago. You think people change and it's been so many years, maybe this time around will be different. Sometimes it is, but usually that's not the case. People will always be essentially the same at the core. Little things may change and people mature, but the framework of their personality stays the same. My dad always tells me to stop re-reading chapters in my life. 
Then you meet someone completely new. He's nothing like what you're used to. He challenges you and pushes you to face things you were comfortable avoiding. It's like a breath of fresh air. Suddenly the process of getting to know someone new becomes more like an adventure. Now, there is someone who texts you first thing in the morning and calls you on his lunch. He wants to learn about you and help you deal with things. He's patient and understanding. There's distance involved but it only makes the time together sweeter. Plus, there's no routine to get into. Things happen as they're supposed to and you just go with the flow. If it works, great. If it doesn't, well everything happens for a reason. 
Everyone tells me to focus on me and work on becoming emotionally "autonomous." But, I don't see the harm in having people in my life that care about me. I'm not going to pass up opportunities simply because I haven't been separated long enough, according to some time frame that society has defined. This is me doing me. Relationships are an important aspect of my life and that will never change. I just need to be smarter about the relationships I develop and how much control I let them have over my life. I want to stand on my own and know that I can't handle the world by myself, but also know I don't have to because there is someone in my corner.  

One year.

Wow, reading that post from March of last year is surreal now that I see how things have played out. I openly wrote that I wasn't happy in my marriage but I never took it serious enough until it was too late. It's interesting reading through all of these posts though and to see how far I've come. My life has been a roller coaster ride.

So much has changed. The biggest thing is I'm separated- in the process of a divorce. I have been living with my parents since November trying to get on my feet to get my own place. Stevie and I still speak and are on decent terms, usually. Once he signs the divorce papers everything will be filed and it should be finalized before the end of April. This whole situation has turned my life upside down. I never wanted to be a divorce statistics. I used to always be that person who said divorce was just a couple giving up. It's funny when the shoe is on the other foot. 

I got promoted in August 2013. I am now an assistant manager for our childcare program at the YMCA. I switched to two different schools and work for the most amazing chick on the planet. We have been friends since middle school and she is awesome at her job and I wouldn't want to work for anyone else. My staff make my life quite a bit easier too..I would say I'm very lucky. Plus, the kids at these schools are so different from what I'm used to that I feel I have a better understanding of my job and can adapt to different environments better now.

I am a full time student as well. I graduate this December with my Bachelor's in psychology. I have senioritis like crazy right now and am actually taking a two week break from school starting Tuesday (thank goodness). 

I have a second job at a local bowling alley. This is my second or third week working there and it's alright. It is overwhelming at times and frustrating at others but I think once I get into a routine and get used to working with the public again, I'll be okay.

I've started seeing my counselor on a regular basis again because things have been crazy since my separation. My anxiety spikes at random times and I'm always a little uneasy. I'm still taking all the same meds I was prescribed years ago after getting out of the hospital. It's crazy to think I'm still on all those prescriptions. 

I want to start writing again because it used to always help with my anxiety and I figured I would at least post an update tonight and get everyone up to speed. My life has always been an open book- I have nothing to hide and always hope that someone can learn something from my experiences.

Questions

I am trying to stop using the ativan because Stevie and I want to start a family this year. However, the closer I get to not needing the ativan the more I realize I don't like who I am. I don't enjoy life the way I used to or the way I did with the ativan. It's like in order to be happy I need the drugs. It makes me think all the "progress" I've made is for nothing and tainted because I wouldn't have made it without the ativan. Even worse, it may not be progress I wanted- it was just what seemed right at the time.
I'm finding now that I'm not so foggy from the prescriptions that I don't actually like the way my life is. I'm not as happy in my marriage. I'm not a great friend to anyone. I prefer being by myself doing my own thing. Stevie and I work opposite shifts and I find that it doesn't bother me. It's more relaxing. I can come home after my evening shift and make dinner and enjoy the quiet. I can do my own thing at my own speed and not have to worry about entertaining him or making sure he's happy. (By entertaining I just mean making sure he's not bored- like watch a movie or what not). When we do end up with days off together, we fight. Fight to the point that I take the ativan just so we can enjoy the day together. I used to think that the moody and aggressiveness were all signs of "withdrawal" but I think it's just who I am.
I am also realizing that I don't want to start a family. I'm doing all this work to get my life together and get off medication for a goal I don't actually think I want. I got so wrapped up in my life moving forward from the anxiety that it was just the next step to have a baby and start a family. But, what if that's not what I want? Do I have a baby to suffice my marriage and hope that the "mothering" instinct kicks in or do I not have a baby and tell Stevie to find someone else because I would never want to hold him back from having a family because I know how important it is to him.
I don't want to be fake. But, I'm not the great person I like to think I am. Granted, I have always been my own worst enemy but honesty is better than optimism. When I get upset, I hate the world- not just the person who triggered it. I'm not the kind of woman to play games. If I say leave me alone, it means leave me alone or you're going to catch hell.
The point of this post was to make me feel better, relieved from everything in my head- but it's not working... 
I have more questions than answers and more anger than happiness. Do I stay on the meds and live this foggy life that was so picture perfect for a while or do I finish weening myself off of them and figure out what it is that actually makes me happy? What if it's different from what it was before all the anxiety? And if so, why is it different? What changed in me to push me away from the person I used to be?

Optimistic

It's been almost a year since my first panic attack and I'm not going to lie, it's been hard. It's been a struggle emotionally, as well as financially. There have been times when I wanted to give up and thought I wouldn't get through this. But, now that the worst is in my rear view mirror, I wouldn't change a thing about the past year. I would have never realized how strong I am and how much I can conquer. I have overcome so much and moved my life in a better direction. I have a more positive outlook on life than I think I've ever had. No matter how tough things get, I can now look at a situation and know it could be worse. I spent my birthday in a mental hospital and I wouldn't change that either. I admitted there was an issue and got the help I needed. A good friend of mine told me that everything happens for a reason and for a long time I struggled to figure out what that reason was and why it was happening. Now, I realize it doesn't matter why it happened, it just matters that I survived. Now, I have a job I actually enjoy. Okay, the money is not as good but the atmosphere is so healthy. I get paid to be creative and spend time with kids and play games. I have the most supportive co-workers you could ask for. It's an environment that is beneficial to my state of mind instead of making things worse. I have never been a morning person, yet I don't mind getting up at 5am everyday to go to work. I look forward to being at work and enjoy most everything about it. It's helped me find a direction in life and helped me get things back on track. It's going to allow Stevie and I to buy a house and start our family. My goals are no longer on the back burner and it feels amazing. 

Before this past year, I never put a lot of value in therapy. But, finding the right counselor makes all the difference and can be a huge benefit. Sure, the medication helped me in the beginning. Life goes on regardless of your mental state and you can't just pause everything. The medicine allows you to continue your day to day routine and try to stay on track while you learn the coping skills and such that you need from therapy.  But, the therapy is what actually makes the difference. I will never be completely rid of anxiety and panic in my life, but I now have techniques and ways to deal with it and not let it affect me as severely. I strongly suggest therapy to anyone. It gives me an outlet to get things off my chest and to get a different perspective on things- a non-objective or judgmental perspective. Plus, I don't want to be dependent on the medications for the rest of my life. I want to be in control of my own emotions.

This past year has also made me realize how quickly time goes by. Don't take advantage of it. Every moment is precious and make the most of everyday. Life is what you make it. You can't sit back and wait for things to happen, you have to go out there and pursue your dreams. 

Insecurities

Last week was the first time I had doubts about my job. There were two points last week where I wondered if I had made the right decision getting back into working and if this job was for me. I think it's everything else that is piled on my plate leading me to second guess my decision.I just let myself get overwhelmed. Sometimes, I feel trapped in the schedule or so responsible that if I get sick or call in or have an anxiety issue I won't be able to call in because I'll feel bad for my co-workers. But, I need to remember that I'm in control and I can handle this. I stuck with it though and I will continue to. I know this is the right decision even if at some points I feel like I'm falling. I start feeling insecure with myself and my lack of confidence is not helping. I'm always worried I'm not doing enough or I'm not handling situations correctly. Even though my manager and my PL2 tell me I'm doing a great job, I still have doubts. It's like when my insecurities kick in, I become a mind reader, which is one of my huge downfalls. I'm convinced people feel a certain way and just tell me what I want to hear. I assume too much and always expect the worst. I have been working on this with my therapist because it's something I do outside of work as well. I need to ask people and take their word, because no one can mind read and there is no reason for people to lie about their feelings.

I am really starting to figure the kids out and how to get them to listen and respond to me. I feel like with every passing week, I am making some sort of progress and it's really promising. However, instead of being excited and anxious to get promoted to a PL2, I'm grateful that I'm only a PL1 and have someone I can look up to and depend on. I am just not ready for that responsibility, and maybe with time I'll get there.

My life, or at least my emotions, feel like a roller coaster recently. Some days I can conquer the world and others I'm having to force myself to continue being strong. Maybe since the newness of the job has worn off and the reality has set in that this is necessary for Stevie and I to buy a house, it seems more real and all the novelty of the situation is gone. I don't know though.

My new goal is to work on traveling and I have made absolutely no progress. Even at work today, we were discussing field trips and having to ride the bus with our kids and there is no way I would be able to do that and we are only going 5 or 10 minutes down the road. I have got to get over this fear. I want to go to the beach and Pennsylvania, and DC, and all these other amazing places I visited when I was younger. Stevie didn't get to travel like I did and I want to show him everything I've seen and not hold him back. Even on good days when I feel like I could make the drive, I start thinking of how I would feel when I got to my destination. What if I have a good day and make the drive somewhere but then don't feel as confident later on in the day or the next day and can't make the drive back. Then, I'm stuck and miles away from my comfort zone- which is my apartment. Thinking like this though is only setting me up for failure. I need to find a way to make my car a comfort zone so no matter where I am I'll feel safe in my car so I can at least get home.

It's crazy to think it's been almost a year since all this started. I have come so far but I know I have a long road ahead of me. Not only with conquering my traveling fear, but with getting off the medicines so that Stevie and I can try and start a family next year. There are a lot of changes going on now and within the next few months and I need to try and keep myself grounded and not take on too much. I have Stevie to share the load with and I need to remember that he can handle it. I kept so much from him before all this started because I didn't want to stress him out, but that is what put me in the hospital. Then Stevie had the entire load on his shoulders- not only dealing with me but keeping us a float financially. I can't even imagine how that felt to him to be solely responsible for not only himself but me. I don't want to ever do that to him again, so if I start off sharing the responsibility then hopefully it will never get to that point again.

It seems like my anxiety has mellowed out though, at least during the week. I'm so busy with work and keeping up with the apartment and what not, that during the work week I don't have time to be anxious. My mind is always occupied with things that I can't focus or dwell on those negative thoughts. However, on the weekend when I finally have time to sit down or relax, it seems the anxiety is much worse because it's all been building up over the week. I do prefer having one large anxiety attack on the weekend then constantly feeling anxious everyday, but the ideal situation would be to not have the anxiety at all. One day. I have to keep thinking positive.

I have therapy tomorrow. My sessions are every three weeks now and this is the longest I've gone without a session since I started seeing my therapist and I feel good. I am looking forward to it though, it's a safe place for me to get a lot of things off my chest and have her help me analyze things I don't understand that are going on in my mind.

I think its funny I used to tell my therapist that schedules made me feel trapped. Like following a schedule was overwhelming and that's why I was worried I wouldn't be able to work again because I would be bound to the hours handed to me from my manager and such and now I realize I love having a routine. I think the hours at my job are ideal though because if I do get overwhelmed in the morning, I have a break during the day to get myself together and be better for my second shift.

My thoughts are kind of scattered, so I apologize to anyone reading this- I'm pretty all over the place today.

Patience

I don't know if I have said this already but today was probably my most trying day. I don't know what is going on with some of these kids. It's like instead of getting better, they're feeding off other kids and their behavior is getting worse. This job is definitely teaching me patience and is a good learning experience before having children of my own. The PL2 continues to be incredible and helps me so much. I'm still enjoying the job, I'm just learning that you should always expect the unexpected. You have never seen everything and each day is a different surprise.

I am still struggling to find a balance between yelling too much and not yelling enough. But that's an issue for me outside of work as well. I'm looking for that happy medium of standing up for myself and not being completely rude.

On the upside, today was my first day going through both shifts at work without my anxiety meds. I needed them when I got home but I think this is huge progress toward getting off the meds completely eventually.

Ketchup

I have been slacking at keeping up with this. I forgot how much time and energy working can take out of you. Plus, with maintaining a household, a husband, and cats, writing didn't make the top of my to do list last week.

Last Monday, the orientation at Battlefield went really smooth. I met a couple of the kids in our program and got to ask more of my questions. The lady I'm working with, the PL2, and I went through the office and took inventory. We figured out what supplies we need and organized some things. Plus, we went through the lesson plans a bit to get ourselves prepared for the first day.

Last Tuesday was my moment of truth. It was make or break. The morning session was amazing. It went so smooth. There weren't very many kids and they pretty much played games and kept to themselves. We did introductions and played a group game and that was really about it before we released them to school. Set up and break down was easy and I felt really good about everything. That afternoon, however, was an entirely different beast. According to the PL2 our afternoon went well, but in my eyes it was startling. I expected it to run much like our morning session did and I was quite wrong. The kids run into the gym all hyper from school and there are twice as many kids. They don't listen half of the time and they don't respect me because they don't know me. They have endless questions and only want to run around and play games and not follow the structure we have set up. I went home Tuesday wondering if I had made the right decision stepping into this line of work.

The rest of the week was much better though. The morning sessions continued to run smoothly and the afternoon sessions seemed more smooth because I knew what to expect after that first day. Of course, every job is going to have its frustrating moments and bad days. Friday afternoon pushed me a little further than I wanted but I think the kids were tired and we were tired and all of us were grateful the weekend was upon us. 

This week has been great too. I find the more days I get under my belt, the more comfortable I am. I have learned so much already from my PL2 it's unreal. She has endless amounts of patience for the kids and for me. She is always willing to help me, answer questions, and offer suggestions. I don't know how well I would have survived without her. The kids are starting to get to know me and be more comfortable with me. There is still some respect issues, as far as them not listening to me as well as they do the PL2, but I think that will come with time. I am learning to be more assertive with them and different ways to handle difficult situations. 

Plus, this job has given me an incredible outlet for my creativity. We are constantly coming up with ideas for things to do with the kids and different ways to motivate them. It's a very intellectually stimulating job, yet I get paid to play with kids- it's the best of both worlds. I am so thankful that I was given this opportunity and I definitely plan to continue forward with it.

I am having some anxiety related stress in other aspects of my life though. I feel in some respect that I am reverting to my old self. I am afraid to speak up and tell certain people how I feel because i don't wish to cause an argument or upset anyone. I feel like my personal bubble is being crowded. I don't appreciate people putting their nose in my business when it doesn't belong or playing twenty questions with me about every single thing I do. I don't want to say too much though since this is public.

I have had a lot going on with my parents in the past month and with Stevie, like with any relationship- marriage is not always smooth sailing. But, I strongly believe we are only challenged with what we can handle. I think my family always comes out stronger on the other side. 

My therapist and I have decided to only meet once every three weeks. She says I am making great progress and don't need to visit her as often. Now, that I have conquered going back to work my new goal is to work on traveling. I am really uneasy about it but one step at a time. I am still in search of a psychiatrist though because I really need to have my medicine adjusted.

I would like to write more but I need to be up for work in 5 hours, so I'm ending here and will make my best effort to continue tomorrow.